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Vol. 3, Issue #12 July 4th - July 17th, 2008
The Faulking Truth Myspace Is the Devil By: Mark Faulk (Author’s note: Two and a half years ago, I set up a MySpace account for my website. A few days later, I wrote this little piece about my first impressions of an alternate universe that at the time I didn’t really understand or feel comfortable in. And truthfully, as it turns out, MySpace is the Devil, especially now that the anti-Christ Rupert Murdoch has seized control of our souls. His lackeys are everywhere that you turn, and every person is a potential hit man for Satan. So consider this a cautionary tale…and then go sign on and waste your life like a good little minion.) MySpace is the Devil. It’s true. I used to think that cocaine was the Devil, then I was convinced that it was television, and for awhile, I even had delusions that Satan lived in my refrigerator, hiding somewhere between the moldy cream cheese and the jalapeno jelly (exp. date 07/13/04). I was wrong, and Bobby Boucher’s mama was wrong too. MySpace is the Devil. Let’s examine this from a serious academic viewpoint (disregarding the fact that I just made a reference to Adam Sandler in “The Waterboy”). Satan is described in the Book of Revelations as a fallen angel who was “hurled to the earth” to “lead the whole world astray.” Even in Islam, the primary characteristic of the Devil, besides hubris, is that he has no power other than the power to cast evil suggestions into the heart of men. And hubris? In Ancient Greek it refers to a reckless disregard for the personal space of other people coupled with lack of control over one’s own impulses. Now to put it all together: the Devil’s job is to lead the world astray, using only his power to cast evil suggestions into the heart of men (we’ll include women in that statement for obvious reasons), and Iblis (the Qur’an’s version of Satan) displays a reckless disregard for the personal space of other people coupled with lack of control over one’s own impulses. He has no regard for your or my personal space. My (personal) space. My-space. MySpace. Bingo! The Devil is in your computer. I just set up this MySpace for our website six days, six hours, and six minutes ago...what the?!?!?!? Six-six-six. 666.....the Mark of the Beast. And....my name is Mark. This is totally freaking me out. Coincidence? I don’t see how. Don’t believe me? Oh, there’s more, my moribund fallen friends. Listen: No matter where you are in MySpace, you’re only six degrees of separation from temptation, perversion, and ultimately, unequivocal eternal damnation. I should know.....I mean, I know a guy who knows a girl who knows. Here’s an example: 1) I signed on to MySpace and checked my messages. 2) There was a message from some totally random person asking me to fill out a survey to see if she was “bangable.” 3) Of course, out of common courtesy, I had to click on her profile to see if she was, indeed, “bangable.” (unrelated sidebar: she was) 4) On her “top 8” friends list, there was a girl who goes by the name “diapergirl” (not her real name, I’m guessing), wearing a...you guessed it...adult diaper. I repeat: an adult diaper. Against my better judgement, I clicked on that profile (Could it have been the “evil suggestions cast into my heart” by, oh, I don’t know?.......SATAN!) 5) On her homepage, there was a list of the MySpace Groups she was a member of. Among the groups: “Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers” and “Diaper Girls Looking for Daddies.” 6) Now too far into the Devil’s lair to turn back, I was sucked in by Lucifer himself. It was like watching a car wreck, or a particularly disgusting episode of Fear Factor. It was disgusting, but I just had to venture at least a glimpse of Beelzebub frolicking in his own backyard, I had to see the Devil in diapers. One glance of the freakish assortment of “adult babies” was all I could handle. Suddenly, every demented fantasy that I had ever entertained seemed as normal as.....as normal as adults wearing underwear. I turned off my computer, and took a long, hot shower in an attempt to wash away the sordid images that had sullied my mind. Feeling only slightly less unchaste, I dried myself off and got dressed....in grownup clothes. Adult boxers, jeans, and a shirt that I buttoned all by myself, like a grownup. Then, I spent the rest of the day reading Better Homes and Gardens and watching the Food Network, taking extra care to avert my eyes from all baby product commercials and ads. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m no prude, just ask anyone.....well, not ANYONE, but you know what I mean. There’s very little that I won’t try when the planets (and the respective body parts) are in proper alignment. I’m as sexually adventurous as the next person, unless of course the next person happens to be wearing size 34 Pampers. *Shudder* There’s that unnecessary visual again.... Satan, thy name is MySpace, and thy minion is Diapergirl. (Mark Faulk’s first book, entitled The Naked Truth: Investing in the Stock Play of a Lifetime, is now available at www.thenakedtruthbook.com. Buy it now in the name of all that is Holy. And join Mark and Paul Faulk every Saturday from 1-2 PM CST on The Faulking Truth X2 Show at www.toginet.com. Oh, and add us to your friend’s list at www.myspace.com/faulkingtruth ... if you dare.) |
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©2008 NONCO Media, L.L.C.