Issue #7 April 28th - May 11th, 2006

The Legend of the Shanghaied Ham
Pirates of the Blackened Grill

Aye Mates gather round, grab a seat, grab ye ale and listen well to the all very true tale of a ham recipe so tasty, so sweet, and succulent that our very own first mate Mr. Fish was shanghaied.
A year ago, to whatever date you hear this tale, after a long day of raping and pillaging but not deck swabbing (we’ve got the dirtiest decks around), young and handsome Mr. Fish was enjoying a tall goblet of ale fresh from the barrel, peacefully gazing upon his spoils of the day (antiques, jewels, golden chains, turkey basters and deck ornaments), when Randall “The Terrible” signaled from a ship a few docks away. The flags read ‘Bored, hungry and thinking of your legendary ham.’  Before Mr. Fish could respond, Randall “The Not Trustable” arrived in his rowboat, singing a strange song that kept repeating itself.
“Ye spin me right round, baby,” he sang. He put his rusty blade between his smoke stained teeth and climbed aboard. Randy “The Black Hearted” told Mr. Fish of a juicy looking ham at a market just inland. Mr. Fish shot-gunned his ale with haste, and asked no questions, for there was grilling to be done. They rowed to shore and plundered the juicy ham with lightning speed and thunderous force.
        On the boat, rowing away from a trail of dead, Randall “The Shifty Eyed” said to diligent Mr. Fish, “We shall cook this treasure upon my decks and share it with no man!”
        To this Mr. Fish deftly pulled his sword and exclaimed, “Nar! I share me meat with mates, and if you say otherwise, then you be no mate of mine!”
        At this, Randall “The Mistreater of Pork” grabbed the ham and held it overboard, it’s beautiful skin just inches from the salty sea. He screamed “Sheath you blade or the ham sleeps with Davey Jones!” He added under his breath “or Peter Tork.”
        Mr. Fish, though a loyal companion to his mates, is and always will be a proud defender of all meats. He had no choice but to put his steel away and watch as Randall “The Hostage Taking Bastard” rowed with one hand, the other holding a plump ham, past “The Blackened Grill” and on. Though it would seem he be bested, proud Mr. Fish looked at him with a smirk and said, “Be warned! Me mates will come!”

        Across shore the Mighty Captain, Texas Johnson, nearing the end of a long overtime shift of looting and haggling, was in a great battle with a giant rooster; Foot like an anchor, beak like a jib mast. The roosters’ destructive pecking ravaged the village around him. Johnson ducked and rolled with impressive agility as the rooster struck and struck again. Huge clouds of debris formed and from there a victor emerged. With sword in one hand and a three-foot drumstick in the other, Captain Johnson, stood tall and laughed. “With meat to feed a fleet, a great cock you my be, but not so great to take me mate, for Texas Johnson I be.”
        So Captain Johnson rode away on his steed with pride, but on his path he met with the Pope, also known as Magic Mike, who told him a disturbing tale.
        “Hey man. So get this, Fish was just off work chillin’ at the pad, you know…and Randall called him wanting to get a ham. So Randall came by, took him to the store to get it, then refused to take him back home. He took him to his house to cook it. Isn’t that messed up? Awe hell yeah man.”
        Captain Johnson scratched his beard and cocked his brow at the Pope’s strange tongue, then rode away with speed that defied time because there was none to waste. So he rode and rode across the town to the most rowdy of pubs. He knew that if there was an answer to Mr. Fish’s dilemma it could only be there, and that he would find it.

        Upon the ship of Randall “The Hijacking Son of a son of Sailor,” skillful Mr. Fish cooked and cooked and cursed and cursed as his captor paced about shouting, “there is no shame in admitting defeat! No mates will come and this ham will be mine!” He leaned back and let out a hearty laugh. Fish went for his sword but before he could run the blackguard through a voice like thunder roared. 
        “Give up your plan, and surrender that ham, or else your blood will pour! Let go my mate, or else your fate, will be to speak no more!”
        Mr. Fish spun on his heels and saw none other than Captain Texas Johnson standing on the railing, sword drawn. He smiled at Mr. Fish and gave him a wink, then went on to say, “You’ve got nowhere to run, you’ve got nowhere to hide, for I am here to take your pride! Nay to your ship, and nay to your lip, and don’t even think of that sword on your hip! For I’ve met me some men, who like me were hung, and luckily enough I did speak their tongue. Give it up Randall, tu tienes nada, for behind me there stands the Spanish armada!”
        So Randall “The Soon To Be Defeated” was swiftly dealt with in a hale of deafening cannon blasts. Mr. Fish was saved, the ham brought to safety upon “The Blackened Grill,” and the crew cheered as Captain Johnson returned victorious with a brilliant looking ham held high above his head. He set it on a platter inside the crews’ quarters and looked to his men. They all went silent.
        “Yardy-yar-yar! First we make this ham one of our own!” He then took his tri-corn and set it on top of the ham. “ And then we skin it down to the bone!”
        The men cheered, patting Mr. Fish on the back and praising him for his masterful cooking skills and his “Sweet Shanghaied Ham”.

Here’s what we use:
• 7lb butt portion of ham
• 20oz can of pineapple rings
• 15oz can of mandarin oranges
• 2 12 oz cans of frozen orange juice concentrate
• 1 1/2lb of baby carrots
• 2 1/2lb red potatoes (quartered)
• 2 medium size red onions (quartered)
• 1 1/2 18oz bottles of bar-b-q sauce
• 4 12oz cans of beer
• 1 large baking pan

Here’s what we do:

Place the ham in the middle of the pan. Surround with the potatoes, carrots and quartered onions. Pour 1 bottle of bar-b-q sauce and orange juice over the ham.  Stick the pineapple rings to the ham (this should cover all of the exposed area of the ham) and add the pineapple juice and mandarin oranges with juice. Add two cans of beer and cook over medium heat until the bottom part of the ham becomes very tender. Flip the ham, pour the remaining ½ bottle of bar-b-q sauce over the ham, add other two cans of beer and cook until tender.

A word of warning; in trying to recreate this legendary ham, it had only to cook the bottom ½ through before it were set upon by hungry pirates unwilling to wait for the final picture. Some recipes you should cook alone.

Previous Recipe: Horseradish, Haggling, and Beer Ass Chicken
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Next Recipe: The Chronicals of Bar-B-Q: The Fish, the Sauce, and the Pork Butt

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