Vol. 3, Issue #21 Nov. 7th - Nov. 20th, 2008

Hookermania! The Musical: Plot Summary
Short Fiction By: Michael Snyder

In Hookerton, USA, a big industrial city, a group of streetwalkers, hookers with hearts of gold, form together a protective union, leaving behind exploitative pimps and abusive boyfriends. Hookerton provides the women with much success in the prostitution trade and these women take pride in their work. The Amalgamated Hookers Union gives these sex workers protection via their own security guards, and solidarity. Cue hookers preparing for a day’s work. [“I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story]

But this happy situation is thrown into question when, one day, they begin to be menaced by Brian Boil, a concerned citizen. He dramatically proclaims to anyone who will listen: “I’ve had it with hookers! I’ve had it up to here with these hookers in my town, on my street! Someone has to do something!” Boil begins to pursue hookers and tries to film them servicing “Johns.” [Brian sings: “I’ve Had It with Hookers!”] Upon catching them he exclaims righteously in staccato rhythm: “Get this hooker OUT! Get this hooker out of my street! Do you hear me?” Or, at other times, more coolly, “Do you mind not bringing these hookers to my street? Do I bring hookers to your street? NO!” If the “John” doesn’t drive away, Boil then delivers a lengthy moralistic lecture and calls the police, and the more masochistic guilty ones sheepishly hang out and listen, and sometimes the police actually come and arrest the sap. Meanwhile the hookers with hearts of gold protest this harassment. [Veronica sings: “Can’t A Girl do an Honest Night’s Work?”]

Documenting sex work becomes an obsession with Boil as fame comes his way as a result of his vigilante acts. Known as the “Video Vigilante” Boil appears on national news programs and becomes well known, even the subject of a joke on Leno. As his project consumes him he himself begins to suffer from Hookermaina! We realize that he is obsessed with prostitutes and is actually dying to avail himself of their services, or maybe become a hooker himself. [“Hookermania!” theme part 1]. He is even arrested himself for pandering, having paid hookers to bring their Johns to agreed-upon spots so he can film them. In time Boils drives these hookers with hearts of gold out of business.

Stricken, they are about to leave town to escape this persecution. But then Bunny miraculously receives a text message saying that her great-grandmother has died and she has been willed an old Victorian house in Humbleton, USA. The women all shout with girlish glee as they flee (in a convertible given to Trixie by a Sugar Daddy) for Humbleton to start their own brothel, singing joyously. [They sing: “We Got the Beat” by the Go-Gos]. Instead of finding a madame, they decide to continue their egalitarian scheme, with each woman having shared responsibility and accountability for the others.

Humbleton, USA, is an innocent, conservative burg in Middle America that has never heard of hookers. Hookers are oh so new to straight-laced, God-fearing men of this Main Street. So the ladies have trouble finding business at first. But then red-haired wiseacre Freddie McGillicutty is lured into the house from his local bar, and has a grand ol’ time. In fact, his ears are red for weeks. He tells all his Elks Club buddies about these fine ladies. [Freddie sings to his friends: “Take a Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed]. One by one, two by two, the men wind their shy way to the brothel off of the dodgy end of Frank Street. Then the Shriners, Freemasons, Oddfellows, Kiwanis, and even the local UFO cult, catch wind. Once these men get a taste of these fabulous hookers, they are hooked, and how! [“Hookermania!” part 2]

The problem is these men are innocent lads who have only had sex with their wives in the dark in the missionary position, and frankly, the taste of kinky pleasures is driving them wild! They can’t get enough and are soon sinking large sums into sexy pleasures, some visiting daily. Some develop special fetishes. Eventually many of these men are spending less and less time with their wives and children. Hookermania! has truly driven them insane and in some cases, out of house and happy home. [“Hookermania” part 3—Apocalypse]

Meanwhile, some of these men’s wives have discovered that Hookermania! is on the hoof. [The Wives sing: “Not in my Backyard”]. Many organize and protest the brothel, and finally the house is lit aflame by arsonists in the middle of the night. Luckily no one was killed but the house goes up like the proverbial tinderbox. [To the music of “Disco Inferno”]. Without the succor of hookers they have become accustomed to, some of the men go batty. One drives to another state to find a legendary hooker and accidentally drives off a bridge. But three of the hookers with the biggest hearts of gold begin a sex therapy class in Humbleton, USA, using the insurance money, and help these repressed couples two by two to learn to have the kinky hooker sex that every man craves in a marriage. In the end they are forgiven and accepted by the town, exchanging one form of sex work for another. Hookermania! gradually subsides into memory and myth.


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