Vol. 2, Issue #12 July 6th - July 19th, 2007

Balthazar Gets Wise
By: Zeke Bleak

Okay, so it’s been a while since I’ve allowed myself to be used by NONzine. If you let him, “editor boy” will do just about anything to get you to write for this rag. Blackmail, begging, bribery, and battlestar galactica. He uses all the tricks.

Without going into the specifics, I found myself in the position of having to wake up very early on a rainy day, “Balthazar will meet you outside of the NONfactory, hurry up because you have to drive her out to Remington Park for a Karaoke contest.”

“You didn’t say anything about Karaoke, you know I hate that shit.”

“I don’t care, it’s deadline and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll be on time.”

I drank a few energy drinks and did some research on Balthazar, as I didn’t have a clue - it could have been a demon for all I know, and I hate demons.

Turns out, Balthazar was one of the wise men. He brought Jesus gold (a little over the top because Jesus just kind of gummed it and said “goo, goo”).

I was pretty sure I wasn’t interviewing a wise man, so I turned to myspace and found her profile.

Apparently this Balthazar girl (I never could find her real name) is an Oklahoma City “performance artist” with a pretty good following. She seems to be focused on retro tunes and dancing around. I figured it shouldn’t be too hard to talk to her, I’ve interviewed thousands of “performance artists” in my illustrious career.

I was so wrong, and so right. She is SUCH a freak.

So, I get to the NONfactory and the rain is coming down so hard I’m thinking I moved up to Seattle. Nope. Still Oklahoma.

Balthazar ended up not being a girl at all, but a small fierce dinosaur with shiny spandex like scales.

“Hi, I’m Zeke”

“RRRRRRRRR” Balthazar screeched, “RRRRRGGGH”

“Okay, let’s get going.”

We hydroplaned to Remington Park. Now, normally I hear Karaoke done in some dark bar, by some pretty dingy people. Today, the shiny casino gave the musical sport a new lustre. The line was long, the faces were expectant. We made it just in time. They were only accepting 40 people for the contest, and the turnout was pretty slammin’ considering that William Hung, the master of all vocal magic, would be giving a masterful performance right in the middle of the Karaoke contest!

“GrrSheRRRBang,” said Balthazar.

As we waited in line, I decided to get some of the interview over with since it would be loud later, and Balthazar would be performing.

I asked her a few questions, “RRRRRRRrrgg,” she said, and “Rowrwwwowwr.”

I started to get pretty frustrated, and so did she. I tried to make some lame jokes, so did she.

The she got an expression on her dino-face like she had an idea. “Have you figured out a way that we can talk?”

And she started to dance. It didn’t make any sense at first, then I realized she was acting out the code from the Sherlock Holmes story “The Dancing Men!” Elementary! I know that code:

(Yes, I am the biggest nerd in Oklahoma City, why?)

Balthazar looked very excited when it became obvious that I could communicate with her better.

“So, why are we here at this cheezy contest? You do allright at your gigs, and I don’t see many of your type of fans here.”

Balthazar looked perplexed, and took a few moments to consider her dance answer.

The answer dance was far to long a vigorous for us to completely quote it visually, but the loose translation is “I want Karaoke Remington Park for to do things others might not, and it gives Balthazar chance to perform.”

Balthazar certainly did take the chance to perform. A shape-shifter, Balthazar transmuted into Steve Perry to do a rousing rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’’” by Journey in front of a crowd that, well, just didn’t seem to get it. Balthazar whirled, twirled and nearly hurled herself off of the elevated Remington Park stage. Her emotional delivery brought some to tears (including me), but didn’t impress the judges as Big Rob went on to win the contest.

Afterwords, in the lobby, Balthazar and I talk danced some more, and waited around to try and get William Hung’s autograph. We were rejected.

“NO, I have no crayon,” he She-Banged at us, and quickly got into his limo.

“Rarrrarggh,” Balthazar said.

“Rarrarggh,” I answered.

We went on to talk about the upcoming Zombie Dance Party Balthazar is hosting at Galileo’s on Paseo, Friday October 13th.

“Balthazar like it if everyone in costume, and prizes to give as well as munching songs brains discorporation vacation. Balthazar’s dancers be there too, the magic gravy force of S, Chicken and Sunshine.”

Balthazar’s dancers have special powers: S can jump split, Sun can Shine your face off after Chicken’s power talkin’ magic skills go ‘boom.”

I’m assuming it will make for a good show, and most of the people who have seen Balthazar agree that this little dinosaur has the power to entertain unlike any other Paleolithic being. She is a pogo ball wizard of slap bracelet mystical mayonnaise rhythm.

So get your little pony out to Galileo’s Friday the 13th for Balthazar’s Zombie Dance party, and don’t forget your brains!

(P.S. - doing this one was kind of fun, maybe I won’t change my number this month).



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